One of the greatest revenge flicks ever made was 1974’s hit Death Wish.  Charles Bronson was a master, doing what he did best; kicking ass and taking names.  Well, ten years later we were blessed with a rip-off of the highest quality called Alley Cat.  Alley Cat takes the story of Death Wish, and tosses everything good out the window.  Gone are the amazing chases, heart-pounding suspense and overall hope the audience had that Bronson would get revenge for those he loved.  Nope, in Alley Cat we get horrible acting, piss-poor production, a pathetic story and some of the worst lines since the end of Spider-Man 3. And, for some reason, I can’t get enough of Alley Cat.

Rating:

The awesomeness that is Alley Cat (A fight scene):

Billie (Karin Mani) is a young, beautiful (up for debate but nice body!) martial arts expert who’s grandparents are threatened and her grandmother dies as a result.  Now, it’s up to Billie to exact revenge on the hooligans of the city as they prey on the innocent.  Adding to the problem is, the cops seem to be on the side of the criminals (inept defense attorneys don’t help much either).  Now, Billie is not only fighting the bad guys, but the law itself to see justice is served.  (Hell, that synopsis is better than the one on the back of the DVD box.)  

To truly understand the awesomeness of Alley Cat, let me break down one of the scenes for you. Just imagine:  Two bad guys just got beat up by our heroine, and now they’re racing to their boss’s apartment.  They bang on his door until he lets them in.  He’s lying in his bed next to a hooker (in his fire-red thong!!!).  Dialogue is as follows: 

Boss: Where have you jerks been?

Thug: We had a problem.

Boss: So, what else is new?  The problem started the day you were born.

Thug: Hey man, we got shot at.

Boss: Did you get hit?

Thug: NO.

Boss: So, big deal.

Hooker: Hey, do you guys mind?

Thug: Anyways, it was this old guy with a gun, and some broad

Boss: You guys can’t really can’t manage to take care of yourselves, can you?

Thug: Aw, come on Phil (Bill?).

Boss: You got your asses kicked by an old man and a girl, right?

Hooker: You know, I really gotta take a pee.

Boss: So, go take a pee.

Hooker: You bastard! (gets up and runs to bathroom with no clothes on)

Thug: Who’s she?

Boss: She’s the new Ms. Blow Job of California.  They’re holding nationals next month.

Hooker: I heard that!

Boss: Yeah, you’re lucky I’m not gonna be one of the judges.

Then we get to hear about the thugs getting their asses kicked…followed by…

Thug: You got it! (Referring to stealing a car)

Hooker: And, you got it too, ‘cuz I got the clap.

The look on the boss’s face is priceless. 

This is the kind of dialogue that the audience will hear pretty much the entire film.  As anyone with a brain can tell, the dialogue is cheesy as hell.  But, when the director mixed horrible dialogue with even worse acting, his end product was something so brilliant that it literally blew my mind.  Liquor is advisable while watching this film.  The bad guy boss decides that every time someone gets into or out of the car that his thugs are driving he has to tell the driver “Drive, asshole.”  Every time, without fail.  You could play a drinking game to it. 

The film fails epically on the scale of the late, great Ed Wood.  The fight sequences are horrible.  Who, in their right mind, would hesitate to kick a bad guy with a knife after thowing him, because they want him to get back up to toss him again?  And, let’s not forget reasoning.  You know, that thing that characters should have (except in horror films apparently), where they can reason whether or not doing something is a bad idea.  Well, let’s look at Billie here:  Her grandparents were just accosted and her Grandmother is in a coma from a stab wound (what?!?!?!), because thugs are roaming the streets. So, what does she do?  She waits until late at night and goes out jogging!  That’s right. Whoever wrote this script either didn’t care about sense or has none. 

Now, with everything I’ve said, I’m sure you’re thinking I hated this film.  That would be so wrong.  Alley Cat is so bad that it’s a highly entertaining film.  Heck, I think the director realized that and decided to have Billie get naked as often as he could.  They even threw in some WIP shots just for good measure. And, when Billie gets naked, it’s not some quick shot and we move along, hell no, she stays naked for almost a minute at a time.  There are a few very uncomfortable scenes in the prison between Billie and her cell-mate that made me cringe but laugh at the same time (“You have really pretty hair.”). 

This is a great film to get a bunch of friends together and throw back a few brews while screaming at the television.  If you’re looking for a well-made action flick, Death Wish is available in almost any video store, but if you’re looking for one of the cheesiest action flicks ever, but down Bronson and pick up Mani.  Funny note:  Karen Mani starred in one more film, Avenging Angel in 1985, and has no more credits.  Coincidence
that she can’t act?  Could be.