So, I decided I’d left Slaughter Hotel sitting on the shelf long enough and that it was time to check it out.  Just judging by the cover I figured what I was in for was blood letting, large knives, a glove wearing killer and some nudity.  I was close.  Make it some blood letting and TONS of nudity, subtract anything but the barest of plots and you have Slaughter Hotel.

Rating:

Tell me that the first thing you think when you see this DVD cover is “I hope my significant other isn’t home so I can watch this properly”?  Ahem.  Not Mikey B says I. *looks around*  The DVD cover is extremely eye-catching and is probably one of the coolest looking covers I’ve seen.  The blood dripping down from the top of the case screams awesomeness.

Moving along, the (almost non-existent) plot is probably just there to give reasons for these young ladies to get naked and touch each other, while Klaus Kinski dials in a performance that doesn’t quite reach his usual heights (even though it didn’t really matter).  Here it is:  A masked killer stalks an insane asylum for rich psycho women.  Got that!  Yeah.  I know.  Really?  Very much so.  See, the movies so crazy I’m talking to myself.  If you’re still confused, rich b*tches get dropped off by their husbands to stop them from being psycho (even though the one lady is obsessed with sex, and that’s why she’s there…what the hell is wrong with her husband?).

So, we spend an hour and half following crazy, and sometimes hot women, going around and doing boring things.  But, somehow, it always ends up in the bedroom…or the floor…or the green house…or, well…you get the point.  No matter where the story goes, within 5 minutes of the last episode another sex scene is on the way.  And, that, is not a bad thing.  It’s done in such an interesting, read hilarious, way that the pacing never goes off.  In fact, I’m hard pressed to remember being bored during this film.  

I don’t know much about mental institutions, but I really find it hard to believe that inmates wear such revealing clothing.  It made the movie better, and in an ideal world that would be life, but any idea of reality instantly disappears as the camera pans over a woman sleeping naked, moaning in her sleep.  The camera rests over her chest for a moment before zooming in on her pee-area.  REALLY?  I say true.  I had to pause the film to catch my breath, because I was laughing so hard.  It might be the most awkward camera movement in the history of cinema.  I’m pretty sure it was in the opening minutes of the film as well.

So, anyway, we’re treated with a killer that uses random weapons, left laying around the asylum (?!?!?!?!) to dispatch his victims in the middle of the night.  Now, when I say random weapons, I’m talking medieval.  Ball and chains, scythes, SWORDS!?!?!  This guy runs around in a leather outfit, with a friggin’ cape and carries a sword!  I mean, how much more badass can you make the killer?  Of course, when we learn who it is…it’s really stupid reasoning, but who cares…he carries a sword and hunts naked women with a ball and chain.   Let’s not forget about the torture chamber!

Before you go getting all heated in a blood-lust I must inform you that the killer is like a background idea to the larger story of women touching women.  You just don’t see films like this anymore, unless it’s porn, and I feel like this film did try.  The actual murders are spread out and the killing doesn’t pick up until the last 20 minutes of the film, but the ridiculous subplots (nurse seducing her patient - PS the nurse is a friggin’ tease) keep the film moving along.  I’ve never been so fascinated by shots of nurses playing croquet in my life.

So, this film comes highly recommended and if you get your hands on a copy, don’t let it sit on your shelf for over a year like I did.  Check it out immediately.  Alone preferably.