The Mexican Jaws! Yes, that is what Tintorera is. Nothing more, nothing less. Except, they decided to make it more about two guys trying to get laid, and lots of topless girls, then focusing on the panic and carnage that a beastly shark pushes upon a small island community. Here we have a film, supposedly based around a Tiger Shark, that is attacking people off the beaches of a resort island. But, no one seems to care. At all. Really quick, I’d like to put down some of the things I heard from the crowd during the film last night. “The shark has asthma?”, “Where is the shark?”, and my favorite almost an hour and half into the film, “What is this film even about?”.

Rating:

The film starts off with the beast of a tiger shark attacking a smaller shark, and some creepy music to try and set the mood. The mood is quickly ruined as the title flashes across the screen and funky dance music starts playing. I had to get used to this as almost EVERY cut had the same effect. Nothing was smooth and you could go from dead serious to painfully hilarious in the blink of an eye. This was also helped by some of the most ridiculous characters, special effects, and unintentional undertones I’ve ever been privy to.

Now we are introduced to the main character, Esteban (the guy with the kick ass beard). Well, we’re introduced to him after we meet the guy taking care of his boat. The guy kills sharks for a living and has some great lines. I had this odd feeling that he was a freak of the oompa loompa clan and was forced out because he was too tall and skinny. Anyway, Miguel arrives at the island, and is instantly struck by a beautiful woman. He thinks he falling in love, but he doesn’t know how to tell her, big mistake. She tells him to call her when he’s ready to decide on his feelings and bails.

***SPOILERS***

The woman meets up with the other main guy in the film, Miguel. This guy is the sh*t. He’s the all-around ladies man, complete with uni-brow, bulging muscles, and is scarcely seen without a Speedo on (if that). Now, Esteban is feeling competitive, so the two muscle in trying to win her over. She goes home with Miguel, who has his way with her. While he’s sleeping the next day, the woman goes to take a swim (completely naked) and gets owned by the title character of the film. Miguel wakes up and realizes that he’s been dumped, naked. Side note: Everyone in this film is naked or semi-naked at all times (Miguel is shown below - check out that uni-brow! SEXY!).

The film moves along and Esteban and Miguel become friends, competing over women, fishing and drinking. These two guys spend every day together, and every night they bring random girls back to Esteban’s boat for a little deep-sea-fishing of their own. We follow them as Miguel teaches Esteban how to catch sharks and kill them. This is then used as a plot device later on OVER AND OVER.

NOTE: Real animals are killed in this film (sharks, sea turtles, sting rays, barracuda, and other fish) so, if you’re against actual animal killing, as I am, stay clear of this film (there’s plenty of other reasons to do that, but this could be the one you need).

For the rest of the film we jump back and forth between shots of the shark and the two guys, who have gotten strangely close. There are times when the sexual undertones between the two were to the point where people wanted to scream, “Just kiss the fucker!”. Another odd/cool thing is when they cut to the shark it always made a wheezing sound. I thought it was similar to a person trying to breath through a hole in their neck, but someone mentioned asthma and that would be what I would agree with more. I mean, they had several scenes that were clearly supposed to be deep, but it would cut to the shark wheezing and everyone started laughing again. Not that I can say the scenes were well acted. If it weren’t for the nudity I doubt the film would have been made.

The two meet a lovely blonde, who’s name I forgot, but basically it becomes a threesome. The three agree to only get with each other and not to have feelings for anyone else…of course this can go no where good.

Now, I would normally not do this, but I found a cool clip of Miguel getting PWNED:

This, of course, is the push Esteban needs. Especially since the blonde leaves because she’s “haunted” by the memory of Miguel. First, he tries to just have a party and get laid, but as the party goes back to his boat, they’re set on by the shark, in one of the only cool scenes in the movie, and the girl he’s holding gets ripped out of his arms and torn apart. Pretty cool if you ask me. So, everyone raises to shore, and he decides to kill it. Yadda, yadda, yadda. You know how it ends. There’s no surprises here.

Not recommended unless you enjoy punishing yourself.