Now, when you’ve got a film called Crocodile, you pretty much know what you’re getting into. Especially when the DVD cover looks the way it does. How awesome is that? Do you get what you paid for? Yes. Do you get what other reviewers have promised? No. I saw this years ago and remember just being bored, I don’t even think I finished it. So, I read some reviews on IMDB and they ranged from love to hate. One guy said the film is basically the croc munching on topless Thai women. I was sold. So, what’d I think?

Rating:

PS. I couldn’t find a trailer (really?) so I found a girl beating a croc with a stick…

Let me get this out of the way…there were NO topless Thai women. Well, she did take her top off, but she was looking away from the camera. So, I was kinda peeved that they kept teasing us, but showed nothing. I mean, a film like this needs all the pluses it can get. So, anyway. Crocodile is created after a supposed atomic test that is mentioned throughout the film, but never shown. In the beginning we get to see God’s wrath (nature’s wrath) as a small island is beaten into submission…hell, the ground opens up beneath houses, swallowing families whole! So far, so good.

***SPOILERS FOR MOST OF THE REST OF THE REVIEW***

Jump to two couples having dinner. One is a long-time married couple (this is clear from the lack of devotion that the husband shows to his wife), and the other are soon to be married (this is clear from their constant heavy petting and lovey-dovey affection towards one another. After some pointless plot points, and some very uncomfortable scenes of the father getting his daughter ready for bed, we move along to the vacation spot. Nice looking island, and beautiful clear water. I’d like to emphasize this for a deeper look into the film. IF the water is CLEAR, how do you not see a 30+ FOOT LONG CROCODILE coming TOWARDS YOU?

Flash forward to getting the ball rolling. One of the women goes out to find the daughter, who somehow went missing. I have no idea when anyone noticed this, but she’s out there, running into the water (as if by doing so the daughter will magically appear). The tube that the little girl was on pops out of the water, and the woman is attacked by the croc. Now, the older married woman sees the younger woman flailing around, AND RUNS OUT TO HER! Now, we’ve got two dead bitches and two very upset husbands.

One becomes almost passive, but the other delves into books on crocs after hearing that a fisherman saw a huge croc nearby. He is stressed out (this is shown by constant rubbing of his brow and passing out at awkward moments throughout the film!). So far the story sounds pretty badass, eh? Well, yes and no. Yes, the crocodile attacks seaside villages repeatedly, and these scenes are really, really cool, but that’s about it. Nothing else happens, except for the two husbands meeting the fisherman who lends them himself and his boat (Jaws anyone?) and a few awkward scenes of the fisherman ripping off the top of his suspenders to show off his tattoo. Like I said, really awkward.

By the end of the movie we are treated to the ultimate Jaws rip-off. Tintorera tried to do this, but failed. The three guys go out on a the boat together to hunt the croc. A journalist joins them, for no good reason really, and basically annoys the crap out of the three guys, and the audience. They use yellow barrels to mark where the croc is, and even have a huge harpoon gun attached to the end of the boat. Instead of a simple rifle, they have a friggin’ AK-47! I mean these guys pump about 400 bullets into this thing, and never reload!

So, the croc does some acrobatic shit, jumping over the boat, and sliding across it (you have to see it to believe it. They basically take a real croc and have it attack a miniature model!). After taking out the fisherman, think Quint from Jaws, the men try once and think they’ve blown it up. Not so, says the croc who proceeds to bash the boat until it begins to sink. If this sinking isn’t asked for Spielberg to sue, I don’t know what will. The ending is very similar to Jaws also.

**END OF SPOILERS***

I can’t honestly recommend this film to anyone in good faith, but if you’re like me, and want to see as many giant-killer animal films as possible, then snag this one online. It’s cheap.