Piranha is the caring, loving story of what happens when fish are no longer on the menu. What we get in this film is a Jaws rip-off that actually had scenes that were ripped off by Jaws 3-D. Got that? The quickest way to sum up this film is killer fish killing people. That’s it in a nutshell. There’s some side plots that go nowhere, nudity that’s as hilarious as the drunk guy talking to his dog and a few one-liners that would make Ed Wood blush.

Rating:

The basic jist of the story is that two hikers, clearly hippies because of their lack of showering and kickass hiking gear, stumble upon an abandoned military test site. Of course, no one’s around to keep them out, so the kiddies go in and find…wow…a large pool. The girl convinces the guy to go for a swim and they’re both naked and swimming soon thereafter. What happens next is the first of a gazillion Jaws-style scenes that would make most people groan, but I found to be hilarious. The two are quickly eaten and this brings on the main character, Maggie.

Apparently Maggie searches for missing people, and finds them, but she’s also a skank. Which is fine. She meets up with a drunkard, Paul, and the two go searching for the kids. After some sloothing and some out-of-place stop-motion animation, she comes to the conclusion that the kids were here and never left. With the ability to reason that from looking at a backpack I think Batman should watch out as she’s even got the Hardy Boys beat.

So, now we’re on the fast track as the two, fearless, fish hunters track the wily beasts that they have unwittingly released into the rivers. From here on the film is all over the map. We’ve got: car chases that look like they were ripped straight out of the Dukes of Hazard, a scientist trying to atone for his sins and failing epically, kids getting chewed up, a camp councilor that don’t take sh*t from no one, a resort that gets rocked, and a prison escape scene that a plumber would be proud of. Of course this is all peppered with outlandish fish attacks that come complete with the oddest attack sound I’ve ever heard.

This film is so full of ass-kickery that even the posters own! Tell me that’s not a badass poster!!! Now, I have yet to check out Piranha II, James Cameron’s foray into directing, but the fact that it has flying piranha on the cover is dragging me closer and closer to the TV. Must say no. If you haven’t seen this film, check it out immediately. You’ll thank me for the “Superman” scene.

Great friggin’ quotes:

Whitney: The piranhas…
Buck Gardner: What about the goddamn piranhas?
Whitney: They’re eating the guests, sir.

Dumont: People eat fish, Grogan. Fish don’t eat people.

Reporter: Terror, horror, death. Film at eleven.

Maggie McKeown: That guard is still out there.
Paul Grogan: Fine, I need you to distract him.
Maggie McKeown: What for?
Paul Grogan: So I can get away.
Maggie McKeown: So YOU can get away? What about me?
Paul Grogan: Well suit yourself. Just come onto him, tell him what an admirer you are of Army or something like that.
Maggie McKeown: What if he’s gay?
Paul Grogan: Then I’ll go and distract him!