Ah, summer. A season of overblown budgets and extravagant productions. For movie goers everywhere, this three and a half month stretch is what they have waited for all year. So as always, the prediction for this summer is: Hollywood makes oodles of money. Over these next few months, this column will be examining the phenomena of counter programming and how well it stacks up to the popcorn flick of the week.

This Week: You Don’t Mess With The Zohan vs. Kung Fu Panda

---

Going into Zohan, I just kept telling myself to keep the Apatow faith. But now, I’m not sure I should ever entertain the idea of doing that again. I’m absolutely convinced he’s gone off the deep end.

You Don’t Mess With The Zohan is apparently a script that’s been sitting around for a while. I’m not sure whether it was written when Sandler and Apatow used to be roommates or if it was written in between SNL skits by Robert Smigel but regardless, it should have stayed on the shelf, plain and simple.

Zohan, played by Sandler, is an Israeli Mossad agent who fakes his own death and moves to the US to become a hair stylist. After finally getting his shot to cut hair at Dalia’s (Emmanuelle Chriqui of Entourage fame) salon, he becomes an overnight sensation, mostly for the “special services” he gives all of his customers.

Zohan is basically a Sandler version of Borat. Hell, Zohan even breaks out into “disco dance” every five minutes. Hummus jokes, up close crotch shots and dry humping overpower the film’s attempt to be mix vulgar humor with social commentary (the “we’re all the same” message is literally tacked onto the end). Used once or twice, the gags could have at least been passable, if still very juvenile. However, what were given is akin to taking a joke out back, shooting it and then hiring a taxidermist.

Do you guys remember that part of the Tropic Thunder trailer where Jack Black clearly riffs on Eddie Murphy’s take on The Nutty Professor, as if to say, “Look at what he’s degraded himself to in order to make people laugh?” Do you remember when people talked about Eddie Murphy, they always mentioned Trading Places, Beverly Hills Cop, Coming to America? You know, funny films? But now, whenever we talk about him, its Norbit, Pluto Nash and Daddy Day Care? Zohan is going to do that to Sandler, mark my words. Whether or not you ever liked him, the box office always proved that he had money making power. But now, like Murphy, he’s a shell of his former self. His Happy Madison production company clearly shows the guy is out of touch with his audience. They haven’t made one passable movie yet (check here for a reminder), which to me just means that he doesn’t know whats truly funny anymore (not that ever really showed it in spades). I’m afraid that with Apatow’s recent track record, he’s heading this direction too.

About halfway through this movie, I think Sandler, Apatow and Smigel realized the stretchmarks on the character were beginning to show and they all of a sudden introduce this mall tycoon, Walbridge (Michael Buffer; Yes, the sports announcer), to give the movie an extra 20 minutes. And if that wasn’t enough, Mariah Carey shows up as herself, for almost no reason at all, except for the filmmakers to say, “Hey, look who we got to show up in our film!” More importantly, we now have something to compare her performance in Glitter to. We’re so lucky. Dave Matthews also shows up as a redneck hooligan, which probably isn’t that much of a stretch for him.

Fiddler on the Roof 2: Electric Boogalo Zohan quite honestly was just another excuse to give Rob Schneider a paycheck. As far as Sandler films, I thought it couldn’t get any worse than Chuck and Larry but, by God, someone figured out a way to do it. You Don’t Mess With The Zohan is, by far, the worse film so far this summer and fits somewhere on my personal Top 20 Worst Films list. As of right now, I could officially not care less about Sandler and Apatow’s collaboration on their upcoming yet to be titled film. If Zohan angers people the way I think/hope it will, no one else will care either.

Kung Fu Panda actually provided me with something that Zohan couldn’t: a few chuckles.

Jack Black voices Po, an overweight panda bear whose dreams of becoming a kung fu master don’t exactly help him when he’s working at his father’s noodle restaurant. When accidentally chosen to fulfill an ancient prophecy, Po finally gets his wish and trains alongside his idols, the Furious Five, under guidance by Master Shifu (Dustin Hoffman). Meanwhile, the treacherous snow leopard Tai Lung (Ian McShane) has broken out of prison and is headed their way. It’s up to Po and the Furious Five to stop him before he destroys the Valley of Peace and steals the secret of Master Oogway’s prophecy.

Every child’s film seems to have the “believe in yourself” and “don’t judge a book by its cover” message tagged onto it but, in Panda’s case, it hasn’t been done this well in quite sometime.The animation is fluid, the fights are epic and reality defying and the obvious Bruce Lee homages are done with some tact.

But, the biggest compliment I can give the is film is that the normal Jack Black juvenile humor doesn’t overpower the film. In fact, I can only think of a pee joke and one instance at the end that made me remember who was voicing the round and furry kung fu master-in-training. Between this and King Kong, I might be able to forget that this is the same guy who starred in School of Rock, or worse, Envy. With stuff like this, Tropic Thunder and Be Kind, Rewind, maybe we’re beginning to see a new Black this year. And by a new Black, I mean a tolerable one that doesn’t try to play a PG-13 version of his Tenacious D persona in every film he does.

Aside from the rest of the voice acting, which was all pretty solid (McShane, Hoffman and David Cross esepcially), what I found particularly interesting was who wrote the script and story. Two guys who wrote King of the Hill episodes and two other guys who wrote the screenplay to Demon Knight. Who would’ve thought that these four guys could come up with something that parodies martial arts films in a kid friendly way that parents could stand?

Quite honestly, for a film that’s called Kung Fu Panda, it delivers exactly what you think it will. You’ll come for the kung and the fu and end up staying for the panda. For something that I though would be completely and totally juvenile, it actually proves to be more mature than this other weeks offering.

Verdict: Despite the fact that Sandler draws huge crowds, I’m placing him in second for the week. It’s probably his worst film to date (yes, I would rather watch Mr. Deeds, Big Daddy and Little Nicky, back to back to back; no, I haven’t seen Going Overboard) and I’m praying that audiences don’t find this movie funny. Sandler needs to learn to pick his roles better or just stop all together. Neither one will happen but I can still pray, can’t I?

Kung Fu Panda will be the success story of the week. We haven’t had a real kids film so far this summer (or, at least one that kids were really interested in… *cough* Speed Racer *cough*) and that’s what will give Panda the advantage. It has three weeks until Wall-E obliterates it so expect Paramount/Dreamworks to milk this thing for everything its worth.