With a title like Astro-Zombies, how can you go wrong?  Let me tell you, I didn’t even know that a film could screw up such an insane idea, but you learn something new everyday.  Let me get this out of the way.  Exploitation movies are not know for their amazing stories, solid acting or speeding pace, but they are known for being ridiculously entertaining for all the wrong reasons.  Well, Astro-Zombies gives us a ridiculous cast, horrible acting, and overall sh*tty everything.  But, what made it not work in a it’s-so-bad-it’s-good way, was the pacing.  God,  I had to fight to make it through this film.  Astro-Zombies goes down in Exploitation Explosion history as the first review to garner a less-than-five rating.  It only gets 3 for reasons I will explain later.

Rating:

Don’t be fooled by the awesome B-movie title, hot, almost naked chick, being attacked by a zombie from outer space poster or the scenes that I’ll be mentioning; this film BLOWS.  Let’s start with how I fell into the trap of watching this flick.  Well, let’s not.  For all the reasons I just listed I watched this movie, and after 45 minutes of “waiting” I decided to just finish the sucker.  Bad for me, good for you.

Let’s start with the good.  The film starts with a blast…well, that’s after about 5 minutes of a random woman driving no where in particular.  She pulls into her garage, and no sooner does she get out of the car then she is set upon by what looks like a man in suite stolen from the set of Lost in Space and a mask from a Corman movie.  The…Astro Zombie…feels the need to kill, with a tiny knife.  After a minute of repeatedly stabbing the woman, a small spot of blood shoots up on the car.  Let me also throw in the fact that this movie has everything an awesome exploitation film should have: sh*tty looking zombie, a mad scientist, a greasy hunched-over Igor wannabe, topless women (well, one, but they tease you plenty throughout the film), sh*tty looking blood, random people dying for no reason, random people dying for a reason, an underground government group, a government group hunting the government group, tests on humans, and a hot red head (that’s more just for me!)

On, to the bad.  Holy-sh*tty-pacing, Batman!  Wow.  I’ve watched plenty of slow films, but I’ve never felt like I was stuck behind a Rhode Island driver before.  Wow.  I yelled at the television several times, tempted to rip the stupid thing out and just play video games.  If a films called Astro-Zombies, have a few f*cking Astro-Zombies.  OK.  I’m stopping.  If I continue to write about the pacing I may just blow a gasket.  But, in case you missed it, this film crawls.  To put it into perspective, I have a burning hatred for Blood Feast, but this film makes Blood Feast feel like a f*cking Michael Bay flick (I’d still rather watch this again, I could always just watch the trailer since that has everything worthwhile anyway, but still…).

I also felt that several ideas were wasted and some setups were just so generic for such an off-the-wall film.  The fuse is blown…I’ll go check it…alone.  By the end the Astro-Zombies didn’t even feel the need to wear their kick ass outfits and instead settle for jeans and a long sleeve shirt.  For a film that had so much AWESOME built into it, someone dropped the ball and loosed this EPIC FAIL on us.  This is too bad as Astro-Zombies could have been a real, kick-ass, exploitation film, but ended up being an epic dud.