Rating:

You know what the best part about horror movie sequels are? No matter how good the initial few are, it’s a guarantee that at some point or another they’re going to turn south. I for one absolutely love it when Jason goes to outer space or the Leprechaun invades the hood. If I had to pick a personal favorite, however, it would have to be that time when Matthew McConaughey had a robotic leg controlled via television remote in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION

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Right off the bat I have to say this movie sucks on basically every level. If you’re looking for a good sequel to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, look elsewhere. The Next Generation does however manage to be basically incompetent on every imaginable level. This is why I’ve never been that pissed off at the remake of the original…
“When a helpful family invites two lost couples in for a good ol’ down-home massacre, the prom night teens find themselves all dressed up… with nowhere to escape. Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey star in this hilarious bone-chilling remake of the horror classic.”

Plot wise, The Next Generation cannot decide if it’s a remake or a sequel. So they cleverly labeled it as both. Try not to think about that for too long, your head might explode.

The Next Generation is about a group of four really inept teenagers who, on their prom night, decide to go get nice and lost in the middle of nowhere. They end up at, of all places, an insurance office (I know that’s what I did on my prom night!) where we are introduced to Darla. She has a notable scene involving a monolog about fake tits, and a brick being thrown through her office window. Naturally this leads us back to Darla’s house, because once again this is exactly how I spent my prom night… hanging out with insurance agents who live in the middle of the forest.

Thankfully we now get to meet her boyfriend Vilmer (McConaughey), Leatherface, and some jackass named W.E. This has nothing to do with the original film, which is why it’s both a remake and a sequel…. I guess. Remember what I said earlier about not questioning things? This is one of those times. Because we’ve meet Vilmer we’re now officially allowed to talk about my favorite scene in the movie and the entire reason why you should buy it. Matthew McConaughey has a robotic leg in this movie. And it’s not just any old robotic leg its arguably the most portly constructed robotic leg in motion picture history. It literally looks like he has a piece of dryer vent running from his ass down the side of his leg. If I didn’t know better I’d have assumed it was a colostomy bag. Only this colostomy bag is controlled via television remote control. Once again… remember what I said about questioning things?

Seriously though, you need to take a moment and just reflect upon what we’ve just learned. Matthew McConaughey has a robotic leg which he controls with an old television remote… and this is a Texas Chainsaw flick. Just think there is someone, someplace who thought that idea up and on top of everything else thought it was pretty cool.

The real horror of this film lies within the fact that nobody, not one single person raised their hand and went “Hey… maybe Matthew McConaughey shouldn’t have a robotic leg.” Thankfully (or not) nobody did. I went ahead and uploaded the clip to YouTube myself, you can thank me later.

I know what you’re probably thinking. That there is no possible way this movie could get any better (and less coherent) than the scene you just finished watching. Well prepare yourself, the ending to this movie is better. And quite frankly so bad that it honestly makes my head hurt. Remember the mysterious man in black at the end of Halloween 5? The one who was never explained, and never had anything to do with anything. By comparison, the end of The Next Generation makes THAT fucking look both competent and brilliant at the same time. That takes some serious talent (or lack of)

I’m having a hard time describing the end to this thing, because quite frankly I’m just as perplexed as any of you who’ve ever watched it. Basically the movie is plunking along, not making any real since, but still involving McConaughey with a robotic colostomy bag so I’m still half ass paying attention. When out of nowhere we’re introduced to a mysterious new character named Rothman. Rothman, for some reason, owns the entire Chainsaw Family (robotic leg and all) and uses them to do his evil bidding. I really don’t know what happens next but for some reason we’re in a limo and Rothman is rambling incoherently, Leatherface shows up, dances around with a chainsaw, and everyone just kind of drives off. Swear to god that’s exactly how it ended. Here, I’ve even uploaded the ending to YouTube.

In all good faith I cannot score this movie with any sort of high markings. It’s so bad that you can’t even enjoy it as a bad movie. Now that takes some serious (lack) of talent to accomplish. I give The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation two robotic colostomy bags out of ten!